Holy shit, I forgot about this!

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now.  I'm going to get my Michigan driver's license tomorrow (finally) after living in the damn state for about a year and a half.  I should be resting up, but I haven't been sleeping well the past few days.  My wonderful woman and my stepson are in Kansas visiting family.  Holy crap do I miss 'em!

So, what's been up with me?  Well, I had some weird neurological problems that gave me really bad headaches and made the right side of my body weak.  The weakness has passed but the headaches have stuck around a bit.  Right now they're diagnosing them as extreme migraines and medicating me accordingly.  I have another appointment soon to be re-evaluated.  Unfortunately the condition cost me my job (I haven't been able to work since late June). 

I'm keeping my spirits up, though!  But I do miss my new family... not having them around for a whole week is tough.

So... how have you all been? 

Comment for meh!

I haven't been doing much other than writing, cleaning, being the family man, and playing Guitar Hero.  Sue and I went down to Ohio for the Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati game (Steelers won 24-13, hell yes).  That was fun - Sue didn't really want to make the trip just for a football game, but I think she had fun once we got down there.  We went to a bar in Mason and I acted a fool - I made up a Transformers dance because she had on a throwback TF shirt.  It was... well, it was something.

Halloween is obviously coming up so Susan, Ethan (her son) and I went out to get some pumpkins.  It felt nice walking around with the "family" picking out pumpkins and then taking them home and watching Ethan carve them.  He did a really awesome job (my icon right now is an actual picture taken of the pumpkin after we popped the candle in it and turned off the lights), especially since it was his first time carving a pumpkin all by himself.  Sue and I watched of course, and I have some pictures, but I'm going to wait to check with her before I toss them up here.

Yesterday was a good day for me.  I've got a bit of a head cold, and so I was a bit out of it, but being part of a family feels really good.  My therapist says that I'm a co-dependent, and that I'm trying to save all these people and that I desperately want a family because I never really had one when I was younger... but so what?  Is wanting to give Susan and Ethan a good family such a bad thing?  Is wanting the same thing for myself such a bad thing?  I don't really think so.  They may not be the most ideal circumstances at times, and there may be times when Sue and I want to throttle each other and times when Ethan and I don't get along, but isn't that what goes on in every family? 

My therapist obviously says that no, not all of that is a bad thing, and that no, the relationships aren't bad relationships.  But that I need to slow down and focus on what's important right now, and realize there's no rush.

But when I have days like yesterday, I really don't think there's any doubt in my mind that I want to be this kid's stepfather and this woman's husband.

Everyone knows the saying Life is a bitch. 

You know, I just don't think we give life enough credit.

I'm no Pollyanna, and I don't think I live my life with rose-colored glasses on.  I wouldn't even go so far as to say I'm a glass half-full sorta guy.  But there are moments - stolen moments, usually when no one else is looking - that I can't help but love.  Just love.  Maybe it's holding your woman's hand as you walk through downtown on a cool Sunday afternoon.  Maybe it's the laughter - the health - in your mom's voice when you call her to tell her the lasagna went well.  Maybe it's feeling a little black kitten purr for the first time.  Maybe it's hugging a young boy you've grown to love before he goes to bed.  Maybe it's finding out a little girl doesn't like to wake up without her tummy in the morning.

I don't think you need to be Pollyanna to appreciate these moments, or even find them.  Usually they fall right into your lap.  Planned events never go as planned... a watched pot never boils... etc. etc.  Life is full of chance.  I think that's what can make it so heartbreaking, and yet at the same time so heartbreakingly beautiful. 

This is no groundbreaking concept I'm elaborating on here today.  I'm not the first one to notice life's little things and fall in love with them, and realize how, in a weird way, they fall in love with you, too.  But I'll be damned if I didn't have an amazing day yesterday.

So don't be on the look-out, and don't be prepared, and maybe you'll get a nice little surprise on a Sunday afternoon or a Wednesday evening, or even a Friday morning.  Just maybe.

I had therapy on Tuesday.  It was an interesting ordeal.  I try to avoid talking about certain things - most notably my drug-induced coma of a past, and my mom.  I talked about both of those things.  And while I'm not cured - and maybe don't really feel that better now that it's done - I do understand the purpose of letting it out. 

Therapy is an interesting experience in and of itself.  It is humbling in some respects, like when your therapist leans across the room and says to you "You know that makes no sense, don't you?"  or  "Now, try and think about this rationally now that you've quelled your anger.  Do you see the same thing now?"  and having to answer an honest 'No.' 

And you think that being told you are right about certain things would make you feel better, but that only frustrated me.  I'd rather be told I was wrong so I'd know I was banging my head against the wall for no reason rather than be told I should keep on bangin' that noggin.  But that's not entirely true, either.  My therapist did offer me different approaches to the wall, and hopefully they will help me out. 


In other news, we got two new kitties yesterday.  One is a total bitch, and the other is a complete... forgive me... SCAREDY-CAT!  They're both adorable, though.

I went to my physician because I am having extreme difficulty sleeping.  No, this isn't really anything new - but Susan has been insistent on me getting help with my problems, and I'd like to be able to lay in bed with her all night and wake up with her rather than get up and watch TV or use the computer or whatever else an insomniac does during the night hours.  So I went.

The doctor fears I have an anxiety disorder, or that I am suffering from bipolar disorder.  I don't know much about bipolar disorder - I didn't even know that it could affect your sleep. 

From Wikipedia:
Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric condition defined as recurrent episodes of significant disturbance in mood. These disturbances can occur on a spectrum that ranges from debilitating depression to unbridled mania. Individuals suffering from bipolar disorder typically experience fluid states of mania, hypomania or what is referred to as a mixed state in conjunction with depressive episodes. These clinical states typically alternate with a normal range of mood.

Now, I don't know if I have bipolar disorder or not.  My doctor didn't either - she merely suggested that I go see a psychiatrist and a therapist to start figuring out if I do or if I don't. 

This news floored me a bit more than I thought it would.  I experienced depression growing up, but I don't think it was really anything more than any teenager feels.  I've had my fair share of hardships and "tribulations," but I always thought I rebounded well and that I was a strong person.  I've dealt with two very close deaths in my life.  I've been through a divorce.  I've been disowned.  I've been unemployed.  And I've always fought through it.

Now I'm mentally ill?  I'm angry.  I'm angry at my parents.  It's all hereditary, isn't it (mental illness)?  I'm mad at myself for being so ignorant about it all, too.  Doesn't this explain what happened with my sister a little bit more?  I always silently cursed her for being weak - but perhaps she wasn't weak, but afflicted?  Afflicted with what I have now?  Or some degree of some illness that my crazy fucking mother passed down?  Is that why my parents didn't act so surprised when she threw herself off the roof?

Hopefully I'm counting my chickens... or is it eggs... I don't know, hopefully I'm getting ahead of myself is what I'm trying to say.  I can deal with having a little bit of an anxiety disorder.  But I don't even understand that, either..  I deal with stress extremely well.  I thought I did, at least.  Everyone I've ever met has always told me I handle large stress very well.  Maybe it's the little stress I don't handle well?  I don't know.  Again, hopefully I'm getting ahead of myself. 

No matter what the answer, I think I can learn to live with it.  My anger toward my parents is nothing new - just a new degree - but I am trying to learn to get past all of that.  And if I do have bipolar disorder or an anxiety disorder, I will get the help I need (either therapy or medication) and I will continue to live like I have been - only hopefully I'll be sleeping better.  I think the news that I was mentally ill might have destroyed me a few years ago... maybe even so recently as last year.  But I've made leaps and bounds in my personal growth in that matter of time.  Susan has been such an enormous help that it's difficult not to understate what she's done for me.  She's helping me face my demons, and I'm helping her face hers, and we're both growing together.  That sounds very 7th Heaven-y, but it's true.  If there was ever one person I've wanted to call my partner for life, it's her.

For Joy!

Pick your birth month and cross (strike) out what doesn't apply to you. To strike out you use the S tag. So for the cross out you would surround the "strike out" with strike out . I tag everyone who reads this to do it and post in their LJ and let me see it!!

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

I am a chronic non-finisher.  

I have a "novel" started that is nothing more than a bloated outline and fifteen haphazard chapters that wouldn't make it in a high school Creative Writing class.

I have a semi-autobiographical emo screenplay about growing up (oh, the irony) that has been sitting without an ending for... months?

I have another screenplay about letting go that has an entire third act still waiting to be written.  This would be the easiest to do since it has the most complete and structured outline... but then I wouldn't be a chronic non-finisher.

It's not all bad, mind you.  I have made great strides in my writing thanks to these three projects.  Not only did I increase my abilities and arsenal, but... well, I just don't suck as badly anymore.  Pacing.  I think I've learned to pace a little bit better.  

But I never like to finish anything that I'm writing, because then I don't have it anymore.  Opening up one of those Word (manuscript) or Notepad (outline) documents and diving into some other world in the morning is my favorite part of the day.  That whole feeling will disappear when I finish one of them.  I don't want that.  

The problem with that is that I'm outgrowing my work.  The novel was started three years ago.  Not only am I outgrowing the feelings of the character, but I'm forgetting key moments, key dialogue, etc.  I'm moving on with the rest of my life, but my poor manuscripts are chilling back in 2003, 2005, etc.

Time passes by really fast.  The family man persona suits me.  I think I wear it well and play it well.  But holy hell does it suck up all my time.  There isn't much time to sit down and write when you're dropping the kid off at the bus stop, or picking him up from school, or meeting your woman for lunch, or doing the dishes with one hand and sweeping with the other while playing with the cat with your foot, or cleaning the bathroom while using the toilet, or making the bed while sorting the laundry, or picking up your woman from work while stopping at the bank to deposit a check, or grocery shopping while keeping in touch with friends a state away and helping the kid with his homework, or checking the football scores on SportsCenter while tucking the kid in for bed, or finding time to converse with your woman to keep the relationship healthy while finding time to still have sex and cuddle and laugh and fall asleep together and blahblahblah.


Well.. I guess I could have maybe written a few paragraphs just now instead of writing this stupid entry.  

Now I have to do dishes.  Well damn.

My honor was challenged last week.  I was not prepared.

I took my shower mid-morning, per routine, and exited with good feelings about the day before me.  I had high hopes.  I walked out of the bathroom, down the dim hallway, and entered my kitchen.  I dried my hair with my towel and watched amused as my small kitten played blissfully with a small bug that ran aimlessly back and forth beside my cat's food bowl.  I urged her on, unaware of the consequences, and cheered her as she chased the bug back behind the refrigerator.  And suddenly the world changed in an instant.

She yelped in fright and drew back, shocked and afraid.  She shuddered, let out a cry of surprise, and sprinted away.  I watched in bewilderment as my brave little kitten tucked her tail between her legs and cowered behind me.  I walked forward apprehensively and peered behind the refrigerator.  I gasped in surprise.

The bug my kitten had been playing with had rejoined its brethren.  They stood in mass force behind the cooling unit, flowing over one another, a gigantic sea of disgusting, creeping, crawling monsters.  I screamed in shock and backed away. 

Sensing my weakness, they began pouring out into the kitchen.  They smothered my cat's food bowl and began crawling up the wall.  Realizing that this was a defining moment in my life, I ran quickly to the closet and grabbed my Featherlight Dirt Devil sweeper.  I plugged it in and quickly pulled out the extension that would give me optimal sucking power.  I flipped the sweeper on and let out a vicious battle-cry.  The bugs appeared unphased, but I did not let their confidence affect me.  I stuck the extension down into the mass of bugs and began sucking them up rapidly.  I screamed in delight, laughing maniacally as I ended the lives of the invading monsters.  The sweeping lasted for what felt like hours and finally I felt I had beaten them back.  I flipped the sweeper off and wiped the sweat from my brow.  Beside me, my kitten meowed in delight.

I took a step back and looked up at the clock.  I was surprised to see that I had only been destroying the bugs for a few minutes.  I looked back down at my work and screamed in shock.  The bugs had returned, their numbers greater than ever before.  I whimpered in fright and looked down to my kitten for comfort.  I sighed as I realized she had already retreated to the bedroom.  This was one battle I was going to have to fight alone.

I flipped the sweeper back on while simultaneously grabbing the phone to ring my landlord.  I began exterminating the bugs once again as my landlord picked up the phone.

"I'm under siege!" I screamed.  She responded with surprise, and then asked for specifics.  I told her of my epic dilemma.  She seemed not to care, and I screamed once again that I was fighting for my life and the life of my kitten.  She again did not seem to care.  She told me that she could have someone come and spray the bugs on Tuesday... a long five days from now.  I tried to explain that I would most likely be dead by Tuesday, but she had already hung up the phone.

I returned to sweeping up the bugs.  I staged an impressive defense, fighting them back any time they dared crawl out the hole they had formed in the trim behind my refrigerator, and screamed menacingly at them to try and let them know that this was one apartment they would not claim.  They did not seem to listen.  Fatigue began to take its toll on my body and I realized I would be unable to continue this 300-esque defense much longer.  I rang my landlord once again.

"Get over here and caulk up this hole!" I screamed.  There was an awkward moment where she thought I had asked her to "cock up the hole," but once that was cleared up, she assured me that a maintenance man would arrive within the hour to fill up the hole with caulk, which would relieve me of my defender duties for the time being.  I thanked her and hung up, returning to my defense.  The maintenance man arrived some thirty minutes later, caulk in hand, ready to pump its sweet elixir into any hole available.  I led him to the entry-point, and he caulked the hole up quickly.

Finally at rest and in desperate need of release, I retreated to my living room where I ordered a porn movie for $13.99 and masturbated feverously.  Awkwardness ensued when I realized the maintenance man had not yet left.  I shook his hand with my free hand and showed him out, then returned to my previous activity.

Just wanted to take a moment to offer my condolences to Rob, for his New Orleans Saints are about to drop to 0-3 at the hands of the Vince Young and the Titans.

I'm disgruntled with ESPN and Monday Night Football.  I know that the game is being broadcast from New Orleans and that there's bound to be some information about Katrina and all the aftermath, but damn it, this is a football game.  I don't want to see destroyed towns and sad faces and homeless people every two seconds when I turn on the TV to watch football.  I'll be happy to watch it on 60 Minutes or the nightly news or CNN... but on a football game?  Come on.

Go Steelers.

Why do I always end up making another one of these?  They all end up getting deleted anyway, don't they?  My poor LiveJournals... they usually only have a shelf-life of five or six months.  There are some breads that last longer than my journals.

I've been through a lot this past year.  I've moved to Michigan, for all those that are interested.  I'm living a happier, more fulfilling life now... blah blah blah.  This journal isn't going to be a whine fest.  I've got all of the /emo out of me by now; I hope to God, at least.  I haven't been doing much other than going to college here in MI and writing a lot.  That and playing a lot of Madden.  I used to play WoW (met my girlfriend there, actually) but I'm not as into that as I used to be... maybe I finally got all the geek out of me.  I doubt it.

First off, I would like to take this moment to salute the Pittsburgh Steelers for starting off 2-0.  The AFC North is ours for the taking, boys!  Kaye Cowher tried to kill Pittsburgh by taking away our beloved Coach, but Tomlin has stepped in and done a good job so far.  Ben is playing like the Super Bowl-winning quarterback he was two years ago, and Fast Willie Parker is running better than Bettis in his prime.  We're gonna make a splash this season!

I would also like to salute Coca-Cola and their lovely Diet Coke, without which I would not be able to survive.

I'm currently finishing up my first screenplay, so if anyone is interested in reading it, please give me a holler.  It is about a group of friends, their attempts to "grow up," and all the damage they cause in the process.  If that emo shit sounds like it's up your alley, let me know.

It's good to be back, kiddies!  You know you missed me.